5 Things to Stop Saying To Your Loved One Going Through Infertility
Owner/Consultant at Flourish Consulting Services
Many couples and individuals are walking down the strenuous path of infertility - it is estimated that 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (1) So it is not uncommon if you know someone in your family or friend group that has shared their infertility journey. Despite its prevalence, the majority do not share their full infertility story with family or friends, as it can often be one of the most distressing life events for a couple to walk through together. (2) And many well-meaning friends and family members can unknowingly add to that psychological stress by making comments that are not helpful. I have worked with many couples for the past 15 years that are in various stages of infertility and seeking options to grow their families. They have courageously shared with me their thoughts and feelings about their struggles. Here are some of the most commonly shared statements that they wished people knew to stop saying to others going through infertility.
１ "Relax! It will happen when you just stop worrying or stressing."
This makes it seem like they are doing something wrong. Many individuals have a medical or genetic factor that affects their infertility, and many times it can take months or even years to discover. Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained. (3) So to tell someone to "just chill out" makes it sound like they personally have control over their own internal organs. Many couples will blame themselves for their infertility, and that is not fair - we must support these couples by telling them "it is not your fault" and that they are doing the best they can in a very difficult situation. While there is research to suggest that relaxation & meditation techniques are beneficial to our well-being, and may decrease stress levels, we need to focus more on providing general supportive statements of 'how can I best support you right now as you are going through this hard time?' I think I would be more 'relaxed' if my friends and family gave me that loving care and those empathic statements.
２ "Let me tell you how I got pregnant."
Telling a couple the story of how you got pregnant does not really help them out. Your tips and advice may only make them feel more responsible for their own infertility, like they are doing something wrong when in fact your uterus is not like any other woman's uterus! If something like acupuncture or an essential oil aided your pregnancy journey, that is great for you. Unless you are a medically trained fertility specialist or reproductive endocrinologist armed with a longitudinal study on the effectiveness of your conception methods, then you probably should keep your own pregnancy advice to yourself while your friend or family member works through their own. If they ask you directly to tell them about any methods you used, then share that basic information. Or if you experienced infertility yourself, then they may want o know how you coped with your losses. But they most likely have already done much research on their own, so all they want to hear from you is this: "It's gonna be okay - this does not define who you are. "You are not alone in this and many others have walked this same road."
３ "Why don't you adopt or foster a child?"
We should be careful to assume that everyone is ready to adopt. "Adoption is not a quick fix to cure infertility." All children do deserve a family, but ALL of us should be stepping up to that call, not just couples going through infertility. And many couples want to look into medical options such as an assessment by a fertility specialist to seek medical treatment before they look into adoption. Infertility is "the result of a disease (an interruption, cessation, or disorder of body functions, systems, or organs) of the male or female reproductive tract which prevents the conception of a child or the ability to carry a pregnancy to delivery" (4) We would not judge someone with a medical condition if they went to their physician to seek all possible alternatives for a solution. So we should show the same respect for couples that seek medical care to increase their chances of pregnancy before they pursue adoption. It is very true that there are many children available for adoption out of foster care - the latest statistic reports over 100,000 foster children available for adoption in the U.S. They need forever homes - most of these children are age toddler and up to teens or sibling groups. As a community, more people from all walks of life can step up to answer the call to adopt or foster. It is okay if a couple decides that adoption is not what they want to pursue right now, or ever. So instead of telling them what they should be doing, let's pose them a question by saying "what are some options to growing your family that you have considered in this journey?"
４ "Are you sure that is the right thing to do?"
Many people going through infertility have a long list of options to consider as they decide on their next steps of adding to their family. They might consider fertility treatments including medications to increase fertility, reproductive surgeries for the male or female, intrauterine insemination (IUI), in-vitro fertilization (IVF), using an egg/sperm donor, or using a surrogate or gestational carrier. They also have options in adoption: 'adopting' donated embryos for an embryo IVF transfer, private domestic adoption, international adoption, or foster care adoption. Finally they may decide to not pursue any alternatives and continues without medical or adoption assistance. These varied options can be very complex and expensive (Adoptions on average can cost $30,000 and up; fertility treatments vary in the thousands to $20,000 or more). It can be overwhelming for couples to decide which course is the right one for them. Many people take weeks and months to research all of their options. They spend countless hours making phone calls or searching online. Some may drive hours away from home to visit the nearest fertility specialist or adoption agency. They have worked hard and done their homework! Once they choose their next steps, then they might face all kinds of opinions from their loved ones as to what is the 'right' or 'moral' thing to do. I have worked with couples that decided to adopt without using fertility treatments, and were told by family members that they should 'try harder' for a biological child and that their adopted child may have 'issues.' Or people that chose fertility treatments, and they received negative opinions from their loved ones. Don't judge anyone for choosing their own personal direction for their family: maybe they want to pay for fertility treatments, maybe they want to find a donor, maybe they want to only do adoption, or maybe they decide they are done with all the options and settle into life as a couple with no children. This is already a distressing time, and so give them your support no matter their choice by instead saying this: "I can see you are going through a painful experience - we are here to support you no matter what direction you take or where you end up on this journey."
５ "Once you have a child, everything will be better and you will move on."
Imagine every month going into your bathroom to discover yet another negative pregnancy test and the sadness that may envelop you - and you have no immediate fix. Each month that passes breaks your heart over again, and this emotional roller coaster of a cycle may continue for months or years. Imagine experiencing a miscarriage or loss of a child. It is a pain that can be profoundly personal and isolating, and it takes a long time to move forward with those traumas. I have had couples that gave birth to a child after years struggling with infertility. They were overjoyed with the birth of their child, but the wife shared how the loss still lingered for her. The memories did not go away of the 3 babies she lost to miscarriage as she viewed them as her children that she never got to hold in her arms. Some have secondary infertility where they were able to conceive a child but could not conceive another, and those losses are just as painful even though they had a child. Others may not experience the same intensity of emotions and are able to grieve for a shorter period of time. So we cannot assume that everyone will work through their emotions in the same manner, and we should not put that expectation on them. It is not fair to tell a couple to move on from their pain - they can only move forward. Just as we do not expect someone to 'get over' the loss of a loved one, then we should show same respect to the losses from infertility. Instead say this: "I acknowledge your pain....I understand some days will be harder than others but I am here for you in the peaks and the valleys". Give them permission to feel whatever they want to feel around you.
What You CAN Say
Show empathy and understanding that they are going through a very traumatic experience. Patients going through infertility consistently report significantly more symptoms of anxiety and depression than fertile individuals. (2) Infertility is multifaceted and affects both the physical body, emotions & mental health, social & partner relationships, finances, spiritual beliefs, and it can be very isolating and an invisible struggle. Understanding all of these variables and emotions that your loved one may be going through can provide you with a level of empathy. Listen and be there for them - do not try to find an immediate solution but allow them the space to come to you with questions. Do not barrage them with questions and updates, but check in on them periodically so they know you care but may not have all the right words. Do your own research on the options they choose to show that you are intentional about being supportive. It is important for you, as an active part of that future child's life, to be educated on the path they choose so you can best support them and their future child. One of the best ways to show your loved one you care is simply saying this: "I am sorry you are going through a difficult time, and I can imagine you are overwhelmed. I am here to support you each step of the way."
Contact: lauren@flourishcs.com/www.flourishcs.com
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